Hospitality: An Unconventional Tactic to Foster Connectedness and Inclusion in the Military

Brigid Hickman

12 Feb, 2023

Hospitality: An Unconventional Tactic to Foster Connectedness and Inclusion in the Military

Hospitality is a concept that we don’t immediately associate with military life or leadership. Yet, given the negative trends the armed services have experienced recently with anxiety, depression, loneliness, and other behavioral health issues, perhaps this seemingly incongruous topic merits our brief attention.

Compounding these already significant challenges are the stream of bad news stories about mold and other issues in U.S. Army barracks. Many enlisted service members live in less than ideal accommodations that probably don’t feel very much like home. Officers and senior non-commissioned officers (NCOs), on the other hand, generally inhabit more spacious abodes and are often in a position to be generous with their time and homes.  

My article today will not only make the case for leaders occasionally opening their homes to peers and subordinates to break bread, but offer some practical tips for hosting small, medium, and large gatherings. Incorporating these types of social events into our leadership kit bags won’t solve all of the aforementioned quality of life and readiness issues. But it will reinforce the military’s commitment to connectedness and inclusion.

Hospitality & Servant Leadership

Let me begin by caveating that every leader’s work life and home life are unique and come with their own nuances and considerations. Not every leader is in a position to host events at his home. But for those who have the means to, I offer that it is one tool at leaders’ disposal to take care of their people and connect on a truly human level. 

As our military emerges from the COVID-19 pandemic, leaders should look for meaningful ways to reconnect with their peers and subordinates. The concept of “connectedness” is cited in both Department of Defense (DoD) and Department of the Army reports, articles, and guides on suicide prevention. Welcoming someone into your home, sharing a meal with him, and introducing him to your family are some of the most personal ways you can connect with fellow service members and their own families.

“Strong connectedness—the level of closeness we feel to others—not only enhances our quality of life, it can also save lives.”

The Army Resilience Directorate

Furthermore, hospitality directly correlates to another DoD priority initiative—inclusion. Particularly for single service members and/or spouses and children who feel isolated, receiving an invitation to a colleague’s home signals that they are included and valued as part of the team. As a personal example, I arrived in Italy to the 173rd Infantry Brigade Combat Team (Airborne) in the fall of 2015 as a single captain. Despite thinking I was a self-sufficient, independent 26-year-old with the continent of Europe at my fingertips, I soon grew homesick and missed my family. However, those feelings of sadness were softened by routine invitations from my brigade S-2 (the senior intelligence officer and my boss) and a few of my married peers to share dinners with them and their families at their homes. And to top it all off, our brigade commander and his wife threw an annual Christmas party at their home, which they opened up to all master sergeants/first sergeants, chief warrant officer (2)s, and captains across the brigade. All of these invitations made me feel connected, included, and like a valued member of the team.

Hosting: Less Daunting than You Think

Now for the fun part: tips for hosting a gathering. I will not try to pretend that I have the same level of style or credentials as the myriad influencers we find on social media, in homemaking blogs, and in magazines. But I am blessed with both a mother and mother-in-law who are expert hostesses, and when my penchant for operational planning meets my feminine side, I like to think I can throw a decent dinner party.

First, scope the guest list. Will this be a small, medium, or large gathering? Spouses and fiancés should always be invited; boyfriends and girlfriends are at your discretion. Will children be invited? Key to this question is whether your home is child-proof and if you have a separate area like a basement, playroom, or yard (pending the weather) for the kids to play. Including children often necessitates a kid-friendly menu, and some adults may even enjoy the kid food more than the grown-up food. (Who can pass up chicken tenders and mac-n-cheese?)

Second, extend the invitation. While written invitations are incredibly classy and add a personal touch, they do incur a cost and require the collection of home addresses. Numerous mechanisms exist to disseminate digital invitations: text message, e-mail (work or personal), or an e-invite like Paperless Post. In the text of the invitation you can provide guidance on attire, parking, and solicit any food allergies or other dietary restrictions, e.g. Kosher, Halal, no meat Friday, etc, to inform your menu selection. We are a diverse Army, and your awareness of such sensibilities strengthens trust across the formation. I also recommend providing a deadline for RSVPs—every host’s fear is running out of food, but on the flip side, with rising food prices across the country, it would be a shame to over-prepare food, especially if it won’t keep as leftovers.

If you are designing your gathering as a potluck, you can send out a sign-up sheet with the invitation. A simple Google form, Sign Up Genius, or Punch Bowl link will do the trick. You can be as prescriptive as you would like with the menu and other items you would like guests to bring—many people feel less pressure to come up with a side dish if the host has already specified “salad” or “mashed potatoes” as options. Besides, if you are putting forth the effort on an entrée, it’s worth ensuring that the rest of the menu compliments your main dish. If you are inviting service members who live in the barracks, or anyone else who may not have a robust kitchen, try to think of items they could bring that require minimal prep or that could be picked up from a store. Beverages, ice, chips and dip, bagged salads, or pre-made desserts are low-cost contributions some guests could bring to the meal. It is better to give than to receive; therefore, your guests will appreciate your trust in them to pitch in and they will delight in being able to contribute to the fun.

Of course, it may not always be appropriate to ask guests to bring anything depending on their circumstances. In these cases, just ask them to bring themselves and consider sending them home with leftovers to offer a reprieve from cooking for a meal or two. 

Third, set the menu. This step can seem overwhelming at first and is certainly contingent upon the size of your party, the tools in your kitchen, the time of year (to grill or not to grill?), your prep time available, and your culinary skills. Over the years I have learned that simpler is better. People generally accept your invitation because they want to spend time with you, not because they expect to dine at a Michelin Star restaurant. Below are a handful of ideas to help with this third step:

  • Pick a theme: Themes are a fun way for guests to showcase their creativity and stimulate conversation.  Whether it’s a taco bar, make-your-own-pizza night, breakfast for dinner, an ethnic-themed meal (French, Italian, Korean, Moroccan, you name it), or Christmas in July, a theme is a helpful way to streamline the menu and any decorations you plan to use (see Step 4, below). 
  • Alcoholic beverages: You may wish to outsource these in your potluck sign-up, or when people ask what they can bring. A safe rule of thumb is to have a small assortment on hand: a bottle of red, a bottle of white, 1-2 types of beer, and possibly hard liquor. Cocktails are always fun, but unless you have a pre-made batch or a dedicated bartender, guests may feel too intimidated to make their own. 
  • Non-alcoholic beverages: It’s a nice courtesy to have more than water, or even just sparkling water, for your guests. An assortment of pop (or soda, for you non-Midwesterners), fruit juice, or “mocktails” would be appreciated by guests. In warm weather months, lemonade and limeade are always refreshing options. In colder weather, a crock pot of hot cider is usually a crowd-pleaser. 

Fourth, set the table. Depending on the size of your gathering and how much space you have, you may decide to forgo a seated dinner at tables in exchange for having guests grab an available seat and hold their own plates. If you opt for tables and chairs, err on the side of easy clean-up. Plastic table cloths or paper placemats will be your best friend once the guests have departed. I also will usually place pitchers or carafes of ice water on the tables for guests to help themselves to during the meal. You can use your discretion on whether you will use paper/plastic cups, plates, bowls, and silverware or your own set of tableware. Table décor can be an intimidating task, but a simple vase of flowers and a few votive candles go a long way. Additionally, if you planned a theme for your party, a few knick-knacks or color-coordinated items can make a table look festive.

Next, think about your food and drink layout. I prefer to organize items into food and drink stations so that guests can help themselves. Depending on the layout of your home, I recommend keeping these out of the kitchen, which often becomes the “fatal funnel” during social gatherings. If you or your spouse have to use the oven, stove, microwave, or sink during your party, it’s much easier to do so if you aren’t having to move around guests. However, most of us do not have large kitchens, so the buffet line may require use of the stovetop and countertops to maximize space. 

Fifth, enjoy your gathering! It’s easy for the host to feel like they have to keep working throughout the event—but if you don’t relax, it will be hard for your guests to. Ideally, the potluck concept frees up the host to socialize more with guests. If you give your guests an initial orientation to the trash can, recycling bin, and where you’d like them to put dirty dishes, most of them will clean up after themselves, leaving you more time to engage with them.

Depending on the size and type of gathering, you could have some games available to break the ice and generate laughter. Decks of cards, a corn hole set, a karaoke machine, Settlers of Catan, to name a few, create friendly competition among guests and can help build teamwork outside of work. Not everyone will be up for games, though, so be sure to converse with the guests who feel more comfortable sitting on the sidelines.

“Hospitality means we take people into the space that is our lives and our minds and our hearts and our work and our efforts. Hospitality is the way we come out of ourselves. It is the first step toward dismantling the barriers of the world. Hospitality is the way we turn a prejudiced world around, one heart at a time.”

Sister Joan Chittister

Conclusion

Some of the steps above may seem like a poor or misplaced attempt to insert Martha Stewart into the military leadership toolkit. But for my peers, we need to understand that we now sit at the organizational leadership level. We no longer have the direct contact with Soldiers and their families that we did as company grade officers. But we have the responsibility to set the tone within units and build cohesive, effective teams. We need to be demanding but approachable, all while rewarding hard work and taking care of people.  

A simple way to do that is by bringing your team into your home. Whether it is your battalion or brigade staff section that you lead, the company commanders within your battalion, or your fellow field grades, hosting a low-key gathering can enhance connectedness and foster inclusion within your formations. Look for opportunities to connect with and include non-commissioned officers and single Soldiers. We promise new recruits that they gain a family when they join the military—by bringing your peers and subordinates into your home for a few hours, they may experience that family environment they hoped to find in uniform.